Filling the Blank Canvas

Facebook’s put me onto many things.  Making a Murderer, Conor McGregor, Rick and Morty.  Right now I’m watching season one of The Inbetweeners.  I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s a slightly uncomfortable watch.  I like it, but I’m flashing back to a million and one times from my teenage years.

It’s only in recent years that I’ve added my old school friends, on Facebook.  I’m cautious with what I post.  I don’t know why, but I still very much care what they’ll think of me.  I don’t feel that way about any other group that I’ve met at any other time of my life.  I remember being back there, taking drugs for the first time, spending long summer days hiding from the truancy officer.

It didn’t take me long, after the first day I truanted school, for me to adjust to being in the bad boy crew.  I started smoking straight after I met peers who smoked.  I inhaled my first breath of lighter refill gas, and immediately asked

“What else is there?”  I’d entered a new world, one of uncertainty, excitement, occasional violence, adventure, and fit birds.

I ended up smoking cannabis every day, binge drinking, eating magic mushrooms, taking amphetamines, and losing my virginity.  It’s like I’d been welcomed into this whole new experience.  Something had to give, though.  I had my first schizophrenic episode at seventeen.

It was the seal of the experience.  That was the final chapter of a book that seemed to write itself.  Everyone’s doing well, now.  They’ve got kids.  They’re all relatively level-headed people.  They were good people, deep down.

Being bad was a thrill ride that I was magnetised towards.  Watching The Inbetweeners takes me back, gives me a lot to remember.  I guess I do like thinking back to that time, even if it was a bit chaotic.

Aleister Crowley’s Work

I’d like to take a little while to interpret Aleister Crowley’s The Book of the Law through today’s lens of how I view things.  I became obsessed with The Book of the Law.  I believed myself to be the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley.

This was my downfall and my poison, but I can now bring myself to see the text, and see the value in it.  I’ll write lines from the book in bold, and write a quick summary of how I think it holds value, to me.

Come forth, o children, under the stars, & take your fill of love!

Everyone’s birthright is love, love received from the broader perspective of God and the soul.

I am above you and in you. My ecstasy is in yours. My joy is to see your joy.

It goes back to Wallace Wattles’ book The Science of Getting RIch, where he states that God wishes you to be rich, and experience all there is to experience, because God inside you will directly enjoy the joys of the world, through your experience.

Bind nothing! Let there be no difference made among you between any one thing & any other thing; for thereby there cometh hurt.

God is everywhere.  He is in you, in every object and in every place.  The idea that God is outside of you, or not in every thing, brings suffering.  God is a presence and a consciousness, a force for life and things.

And the sign shall be my ecstasy, the consciousness of the continuity of existence, the omnipresence of my body.

Of course, as you enjoy, God enjoys.  The continuity of existence is the fact that we are eternal beings, and that death is only a perceived problem.  You as a soul can never die, and will therefore continue in your existence.  The ecstasy is in realising that God is in all things, and that the presence of God is omnipresent, and exists in all things, including you.

For I am divided for love’s sake, for the chance of union.

The human experience is an experiment in division.  We see ourselves as separate from others.  When we are enlightened we see the division as an illusion.  We see the chance of union, the connection we might feel when we fall in love, when we connect with another, and that realisation is what we call love.

This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all.

It’s a very trivial thing, this feeling of separation with others and with other things.  We can say, as we observe, that I am that!  I am!  The joy of breaking down perceived disconnection from other beings and other things is palpable.  We will naturally rejoice when we realise that all is one.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

This entire human experience shall be simplified through understanding.  We will understand that it is our birthright, free from judgement and a sense of sin, to truly do as we please and as we see fit, following our own naturally good natures and pursuing whatever we see as the right thing to do.

For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

We can aim and set goals.  We can make our own way and use our creative abilities, as the creator incarnate, to reach towards the fruition of what we see manifested in our desires and our ideals.

Love is the law, love under will.

The basis of oneness with God is love.  We feel love, we are love.  We use our will power to assert our love, and when we do, we act with all the power that the divine has bestowed upon us.  Love is the base principle of divine consciousness.

I give unimaginable joys on earth: certainty, not faith, while in life, upon death; peace unutterable, rest, ecstasy; nor do I demand aught in sacrifice.

There’s no reason to feel guilty about existing as a human being.  The joy of realising all is connected is a reward within itself.  It is the birthright of every human being.  This realisation, that all is one with divine consciousness, will allow the possessor of such an awareness absolute certainty, through direct experience.  There is no bending over, no prostrating.  There is only an eternity of ongoing consciousness and personal freedom.

Come unto me is a foolish word: for it is I that go.

I don’t pray to God, for I am God.  I do not pray to something outside of me.  I am that which I may seek to pray to.  I am, in my very being, a walking, talking modality of the essence that is being the divine.

Think not, o king, upon that lie: That Thou Must Die: verily thou shalt not die, but live. Now let it be understood: If the body of the King dissolve, he shall remain in pure ecstasy for ever.

The soul survives death.  Life is eternal.  The soul is having this human experience.  The soul will live for an eternity, inheriting great truths upon experiencing what is commonly perceived as the death of the finite body.

Begone! ye mockers; even though ye laugh in my honour ye shall laugh not long: then when ye are sad know that I have forsaken you.

Joy is the consistency, the value of divine consciousness.  Those who are sad are wallowing in a mortal mechanism.  Joy is the feeling, the vehicle, through which the divine experiences life through this human vessel.  Happiness is the language that the divine understands.  All else but joy and fulfillment is mere human aberration.

Yea! deem not of change: ye shall be as ye are, & not other.

There’s no ideal to reach for, really.  Every individual can be himself, set his own rules, and live life as he or she chooses.  True individualism is rewarded with its own nature being the very pinnacle of diversity within divine expression.

Write, & find ecstasy in writing! Work, & be our bed in working! Thrill with the joy of life & death! Ah! thy death shall be lovely: whoso seeth it shall be glad. Thy death shall be the seal of the promise of our agelong love. Come! lift up thine heart & rejoice! We are one; we are none.

Death is nothing to be feared.  The soul will live on for an eternity.  There are no conditions to be met, no good or bad rules that need to be adhered to.  Someone who understands that death isn’t really death will feel glad when others “die”, for that shining beacon will live on forevermore.

Love is the only language the divine adheres to.  We as human beings are one with God.  It’s not even worth saying we’re one with God.  We are the same thing.  It’s not even a distinction worth mentioning, for it is truth in motion.

Hold! Hold! Bear up in thy rapture; fall not in swoon of the excellent kisses!

God loves man.  The longer man can hold a feeling of love or appreciation, the more in tune with God he is.  Work hard at feeling good, feeling love.  The divine loves man unconditionally.  Embrace the unconditional love that is bestowed upon man.

Wisdom says: be strong! Then canst thou bear more joy.

It takes a certain strength to be positive, to be happy, to stay tuned into joy and positive feeling.  Feeling good and feeling love, even in the face of seemingly contradictory stimulus, takes strength and endurance.  The stronger you are in your resolve to feel love, the more the divine is smiling upon you.

Ah! Ah! Death! Death! thou shalt long for death. Death is forbidden, o man, unto thee.

Death is the release of human limitation.  The human being, the soul, will rise to an uninhibited understanding of all that is.  There is no death, and therefore nothing to be feared in this mortal realm.

The length of thy longing shall be the strength of its glory. He that lives long & desires death much is ever the King among the Kings.

The fear of death imposes limitations on man.  The person that looks forward to death, realising there is none, is mighty and proud in his approach to life.  The man who fears not death is given a new lease of life.  Life is precious.  An eternity awaits.

O be thou proud and mighty among men!

Knowing that man is eternal, and that there is no death, offers a certain confidence that nothing else can offer.  The enlightened man, knowing of the eternal nature of the soul, feels empowered, and holds a strength that is enduring.


This was a draft post I edited twelve days ago.  I wanted to complete it because I like the process of articulating my understanding.  It’s enjoyable to read The Book of the Law, when you have a basic understanding.  It’s eye-opening to re-read the text with a newly forged awareness.

The Nutters’ Block

I’m watching Christopher Hitchens, after he got cancer.  I’m thinking, I could become an atheist.  You love The Secret, but everyone mocks you for its supposed absurdity, so you just keep it a secret.

God doesn’t need me to believe in him, in the same vein that I know I exist, and can never not know that.  I don’t need to believe in myself, other than an awareness of my innate potential as a consciousness being.

Len’s in bed, surprise surprise, so I feel like writing again.  Of course, we’re hoping she hasn’t got cancer, and we’re all hoping my Nan’s going to live until she’s a hundred.  My Granddad died, and I didn’t feel anything.  I admired the man.  He was the closest thing I had to a male role model, apart from Player Steve who taught me how to laugh loudly and not give a shit.  Things change.

My Nan’s death would hit me harder than Granddad’s.  I’ve always relied on Nan, the same way I rely on Mum, and I don’t know how to reach deeper than that, or find something more poignant to express about the matter.

The Voices were saying I’m the most boring man on the planet.  Perhaps I am.  They then proceeded to call me a killer, and I had to agree.  Without Mum, Nan, or Len, would I consider killing?

I went to my psychiatric center and told them I felt like killing someone.  They put me in a room with a bright spark who just kept jamming his index finger into the table.  They should have sectioned me.  I needed it.  I followed that up by voluntarily agreeing to be in hospital.  I was there a year.

Human life is precious.  It is.  I have thought about using lethal force, more than a few times.  I’d like to say I’m harmless.  I am.  Off meds I feel prepared to kill.  I think I’ll live my life in a peaceful and harmonious state.  I do have a killer instinct.  I’m sure we all do.  Perhaps noticing that is the first step towards striving to be truly good.

I’m not even sure I could punch someone, let alone use lethal force.  I know all too well how to use lethal force.  I’ve studied.  I also know all too well that my flight reaction is so much more developed than my fight reaction.  I’ve seen that play out, in me.

I’ve got Len back.  She’s turned down an offer of a shared flat.  I get to keep her just that little bit longer.  I feel full, knowing she’s in bed in the other room.  I feel a fullness of experience.

Regardless of what happens, I will always feel indebted to her.  She could dump me now.  I couldn’t dump her.  That gives me my vulnerability back.  I’m gambling it all.  I guess that’s a very human place to find oneself in.

476,526 Words

I’ve written 476,526 words on this blog, according to an online website wordcount checker.  I thought it’d be more, to be fair.  I’m not sure what I’ve accomplished, other than simply enjoying the process.  A lot’s happened.  A lot’s changed (lie).

Len’s on her way back from the hospital.  I tidied the living room.  I know!  I was surprised, too!  Well, hopefully she gets back soon, so I can cook us some nice dinner.  I’m sipping Pepsi and watching First Dates videos on YouTube.  No idea why (lie).

I’ve got thirty cans of John Smith’s coming in tomorrow’s shop.  I spent a good £215 on the shop, but it’s so much because of tobacco and booze.  We eat well.  I can say that.

I think about all the domain names I’ve owned over the years.  It’s a lot.  I think of all the blogs I’ve had, and wonder how many millions of words I’ve written since I first started blogging.  I deleted all those old blogs, but I can still see some of the content using the Wayback Machine on

I never read back what I’ve written, unless it’s been a significant amount of time since I wrote it.  I write to be in the moment.  I read through and adjust each blog post straight after it’s written.  I do that about six times with each post.

I’ll listen to the song I link to at the bottom of each post, about five times.  I like to emotionalise the message, give myself end credits to engage my mind fully.  Writing’s a process, rather than a showpiece.

Nan’s just had an episode.  Luckily she was with my cousin, at the time.  They’re testing her to see if it’s another mini-stroke.  I’m (obviously) hoping she’s got many years left.  It won’t matter to me if she can no longer drive.  I’ll get up to see her by other means.  I’ll catch a taxi.  I haven’t been on a bus or tram in years.

I’ve thought about staying over at the weekends at my Mum’s and Nan’s when Len moves out.  I did that before I met Len.  Mum, Steve, and I drink beer and watch Netflix.  Nan and I watch educational shows and dramas.  I don’t know if I’ll do that every weekend, but I’ll definitely stay over at theirs from time to time.

I’ve been watching gaming videos, about hardware and software, on YouTube for hours.  I don’t have many hobbies, but keeping up with gaming’s definitely one of my main interests.  Right now I’m going to drink this Pepsi and await Len calling me.  It’ll be good to have her home.