I thought about writing something meaningful. The truth is, I just want to write.
I talk to you, God, Len, Dude With Bodybuilding Blog, Bulgarian Woman, Mum, Me. I spill the beans on what I’m full of. Right now’s an awakening, wanting to sound the least bit pretentious I can muster.
I’m seeing a vision of how things could be. My appreciation and gratitude goes out to Len, sleeping in her hospital bed, nobody able to fully appreciate her cute and adorable half-tiredness.
I’m drinking beer. Me: Did you know I’m drinking beer? I’m drinking beer. Still, at least I’ve changed it up from writing about meditation and EFT every five minutes. I think about my past, then realise none of it really matters.
It feels like one rotten cliché to reminisce about my childhood, or my twenties. Even my early thirties are off limits. All that’s happening’s happening now. I’m all about today, maybe three months ago. I’m getting an Xbox for christmas. Beat that, Fit Young Me!
I risk everything. Len might think I’m needy, or too nice. I just want to hug her ’til it’s past uncomfortable. I want to kiss her ’til she’s red in the face. I want to listen to her talk, ignoring my input. I want to allow her all the freedom, whilst knowing I’d be happy if she walked away at any minute. I’m risking a lot.
You put it all on the line and suddenly you’re alive. I’m watching YouTube videos right now. I’ve drifted into other avenues. Perhaps I’ll learn something. I think about dating a black woman, how nice it’d be.
I think about 7pm on christmas day when I get home and realise it’ll take a full day to download my games. I think about this next sip of Extra Smooth and how the next fag’s going to fill me with focus and delight.
There’s every need to find balance, every desire to find harmony. My first blog post said I missed being crazy, and I meant it! I’ve been seeing snippets of insanity that are all so welcome. I’m becoming something new, even if it is like trying to squeeze pebbles through a colander.
Me? I could die and be happy. I could be happy knowing I faced death. I’m happy to live, happy I get to experience every day. Nothing matters, but everything’s valuable. I’m going to take that lesson to the pinnacle. I’ll aim to live whilst alive, feel the ebb and flow of every occurrence. What’s more meaningful than that?