My schizophrenic episode was my fault. It’s not even an issue of feeling blame. It’s a fact that I’ve had two major schizophrenic episodes. The truth is, it was my choice to truant school. It was my choice to begin taking drugs. I smoked cannabis, I took amphetamines, and I ate magic mushrooms. I drank myself into a stupor, and I pushed myself over the edge.
Let’s go back. Am I saying that drugs caused the schizophrenia? Well, I think my schizophrenia was due to genes. I had a predisposition towards it. Drugs and alcohol triggered an episode, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I was already vulnerable to breaking down, mentally.
If I get lung cancer it’ll be my fault. There need not be emotion attached to that statement. Facts can exist as absolute truths, and I like to think I’m capable of handling that. I choose to smoke, and I pay the price. I like the idea that I hold responsibility for all that happens to me.
You can get to a point where you feel like killing yourself because of the torment you’ve created, in extreme cases. On the other side of the coin you can rise to a feeling of unlimited power because of the good you’ve manifested. Simply taking onboard the truth that you are responsible for things manifesting in your experience is empowering.
I don’t talk much to Len about my views on God and the law of attraction. She gets angry. For a moment, it’s like I gave those kids cancer, or I’m the one who developed third world hunger. I imagine that a person deeply invested within organised religion feels the same level of threat from an atheist. The proclivity’s towards feeling negative emotion towards that person. Somehow, what they’re suggesting about you and your belief system is some sort of perverse personal attack.
I’m responsible for my responses, emotions, and thoughts. I’m responsible for how I feel about another. It’s all about perspective and self-driven, conscientious thinking. When you’re into the law of attraction and similar ideas, you’re accepting something. I attract all that manifests within my experience. The wheels are already there, but I start the engine.
My second schizophrenic meltdown was my fault. I stopped taking my medicine. I smoked cannabis. I even took amphetamines. I deprived myself of sleep. I indulged in hatred, aggression, and anger. I reached into the pit of my belly and pulled out a monster.
I let ego and arrogance envelop me. The second breakdown was way, way worse than the first. It’s funny, because I seem to remember someone telling me, at 17, that I’d probably relapse when I was about 30, and that’s exactly what happened. I might have invented that memory, but to me, it’s a very real memory.
On Sunday, my Nan was telling me of a car crash she’d had near my flat. I tried to recall, and actually picked a memory out. I remembered the car hitting us, remembered how I’d felt. My Nan then told me I wasn’t in the car at the time. My mind tricks me.
I always say I’m not a very good eye witness. I remember Tupac rapping about a schizophrenic palm reader. That always seemed like an appropriate thing to marvel at. I don’t fully trust my senses.
I’ve learned, in no uncertain terms, that my mind can be its own entity, working against me. So what am I? What is my conscious mind? I’m a soul, and my conscious mind’s the workings and developmental processes of my brain’s neural circuitry and activity. I can create thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. We get deeper into this dilemma of belief. Your beliefs shape your destiny.
I have very little time for people who don’t adopt a belief structure where self-responsibility is a key factor. Emotion rarely hits me hard, though I’m no robot when it comes to feelings. I’ve been very, very insensitive in the past, when I first adopted this stance. I was an idiot back then. Noughties Theo was a wanker, although he seemed to do better than me, overall, socially.
Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated by self-help books, astonished that they even existed. I remember somebody getting me a book called ‘How To Deal With Parents’. I got my Mum to order a pizza instead of cooking by saying, word for word, what it said in the book.
Of course, me being me, I had to tell my Mum straight away that it worked. I didn’t realise back then just how impactful and astonishing self-help material was to me, nor did I know there was a wealth of this type of stuff, on demand.
I read ‘How To Succeed With Women’, when I was in my early twenties, ‘Think And Grow Rich’ in my late twenties. They were like bibles, to me. I was amazed. I had something I could copy, something I could emulate. I guess growing up without a father figure really gave me this thirst for a reliable, motivating, and guiding presence.
When I finally discovered there was a wealth of self-help material, and realised I could study as much of it as I wanted, as soon as I realised it was all out there, I couldn’t stop. There are self-help books out there on every topic, to achieve any aim.
I’ve been ridiculed about my interest in self-help stuff. That used to bother noughties Theo. I couldn’t care less, now. I’m much more accepting. God will guide me to everything I need. All I need do is focus my mind, and have the faith to see things through.
I take responsibility and I get over the initial shock that feeling like you’re a powerful creator brings. Mostly, I’m optimistic, almost hopeful. I know I can develop myself, to any degree, in direct relation to the time and effort I put into something. I do feel quite liberated.
When I first started this blog, in June, I was a nihilistic, suicidal, alcoholic atheist. I’ve come a long way. I’m now on the fringe of insanity, but I like that. A man in a psychiatric hospital once told me
“There’s a hare’s breath between a genius and a madman.” Now, I only call myself a genius in private, and mock-ironically to other people, but I love this idea. I’m all about concepts that empower me, and the hare comment certainly was a fitting statement, something I could sink my teeth into.
I suppose the takeaway from all this is that I’m quite accommodating and accepting. At least, that’s what I know I strive to be. We’ve all got different beliefs, and that’s fine. I’ll honour others’ beliefs, whilst simultaneously keeping mine relatively private.
I once read that a situation is fate, but that an individual’s reaction to a situation is karma. Although that statement doesn’t make my heart sing, and is quite crude, I can get on board with the general gist of it.