Taking Over Thoughts

I hear the voice.

“He’s-” and the voice cuts out.  I’m quick to pounce.  He’s sound, yeah.  Good guy.  This guy’s a genius isn’t he.  Smart lad.  Good to have on your side.  I’ve hijacked the thought thread.

My negative thoughts creep in.  I’m not going to enjoy- and then the thought cuts out, as I’m thinking I can enjoy things like this.  I’m capable of reaching a great place of positive emotion.  I can guide my thoughts.  Hijacked my undisciplined mind.

I’m trying out all this positive thinking razzle dazzle.  I’m training my mind to think positive thoughts and make the best of each situation.  Every morning and every night I write a one-page positive thinking thought stream to encourage myself to follow that thought pattern.

It’s not one of those give it a day things where you expect instant results.  It’s an accumulative thing, a snowballing process and I’m feeling a little lighter and a little higher than usual as a result.  I’m taking control of the reins.  I’m setting the sails in the direction I wish to travel.

A million clichés that I can only half remember enter my mind.  Forget those.  Quotes are for Facebook, and this right here is real life application.  I’m making sense of everything I’m trying to teach myself.  Reaching an agreement with my mind.  I’m honing my skills in the attempt to master my state of being on a consistent basis.

Spiritual or Insane?

If I have an inner being, a soul, a larger part of me, all it seems to want to do is be silly and tell inappropriate jokes.

As long as I’m with the program, I flow.  My energy, emotions and thoughts are fluid and malleable.

Soul searching as a schizophrenic is interesting.  I have to wonder, at what point the spiritual awareness starts and at what point the schizophrenia begins?

My best days are the days where I think fuck it.  Fuck all that shit.  Bollocks to it.  I return to a simpler form and state.  It’s the old adage coming back around to kick me up the arse:  If you let go of wanting it, it will come.  Though all I really want is that fuck it moment.

Soul searching, schizophrenia.  It all blends into one as I accept my voices.  I listen to them.  I want to appease and learn from them.  And I do value them highly as individuals.  Their reaction determines my response, in action and motive.  My voices guide me towards betterment.  Though I’m sure that’s an occurrence dependant on medication.

This flat’s better than rehab’ accommodation.  Here you don’t have groups.  You’re not one unit, so to speak.  You can do the proper and good thing of ignoring your neighbours, bar the hallway meetings and accidental garden eye contact.  I like feeling independant from my surroundings.

“I wanna bum yer!”  Someone just shouted out.  Now, if I pause for a moment.  I can guess that that’s not what was being said.  I can hear metal clashing.  It’s probably the workmen saying things to each other, something that sounds similar.  I trust my senses about as far as I can throw them off, but the majority of that seems to be somewhat automatic.

I can’t take things seriously.  That’s how I know I’m in the zone.  I just can’t take anything with 100% sincerity.  It could be anything.  A death, someone’s woeful tale.  Anything.  But I always secretly keep a bit of amusement to myself.  And with that, I’ll pick Len up.

Shatter Me Senseless

Left on my own, with nobody in the other room, nobody out for half an hour, I find myself sitting for long periods in silence.  I sleep if 1% of me is tired, and I sleep until I can’t face another blink.

Len’s coming home today.  I’ve got to go and pick her up in a taxi, give her a hand with her bags.  I’m used to having Len and Andy around.  Andy’s gone, Len’s been in hospital.  I’m not having a hard time of it, however.  I cope alone and I’ve dealt with it before.

The last time I felt alone was when I first moved in to rehab’ accommodation.  I filled my time with Game of Thrones and The Big Bang Theory on DVD, and the new Xbox One with a copy of Tomb Raider I’d bought.  It wasn’t bad.  Tranquillity can happen when alone.  A sense of being tactile in one’s environment, someone who listens.

I feel free in this moment.  I felt off for hours.  I get into this mechanical mindset where I just operate solely around my daily rituals.  They don’t even take that long, but focusing solely on them stops me from doing anything else.  So I added writing, gaming and reading to them and here we are.  Things I actually enjoy doing.

For me, I’ve got rituals that are meant to make me enjoy life but I’m so robotic over them I start only doing them and not anything else enjoyable.  Now I can breathe easy.  My energy flow’s opened up.  I’m looking forward to picking Len up, having her at home.  The place is tidy and organised, to a degree.  We’ll see what the night has in store.

Len’s Stay

With a cool breeze lingering in the air and the sweet promise of rain later, we sat into the taxi and the driver pulled out.  Len had overnight leave, so we ordered a takeaway and settled in for an early night.

Yesterday was interesting, being on the ward again.  The whole thing’s painted white, the floors are covered with a wood effect and many a familiar face roamed the corridor.  Someone noticed me, an older woman I used to fancy the pants off.  Then another woman, and a guy who’s worked on there for years.

Even though the bare walls didn’t speak of much to the eye I felt the emotion and sentiment flooding back to me.  I sat looking at the fishtank.  Straight across was the doctor’s room where you tend to chat with staff members when you’re a patient.

So now Len’s back on the ward and awaiting a team meeting to discover her fate.  Perhaps she stays in, maybe she’s out tomorrow.  Time will tell.

Back Home

It’d be nice to get the flat sorted for Len’s return.  I slept most of yesterday and the evening before.  Right now I’m looking around, wondering how to organise everything.  I can make the bed and clear all the clutter from the living room.  I wonder when she’ll return.

I’m going up to visit her today.  Nan’s driving me up.  Perhaps afterwards Nan and I will go for fish and chips, or something.  I’m not sure how it’ll feel being on the ward again.  The best case scenario’s not seeing anyone I recognise.  I just want to stay for half an hour/forty minutes and then head back.

Trying to build my energy levels up, find that tranquil state where I feel alive and focused.  I’m thinking about buying some new books or DVDs to learn more qigong exercises.  Perhaps a book about pressure point massage, or something.  I’ll have to see.  I’ve got a foundation at the moment.  I can build on that.